I've Decided...

...to stop apologizing for my weight. I've been heavy most of my life, save for my first ten years of life and off and on during middle and high school. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not worthy of being loved because of the weight. I'm sick of guys looking through me. I'm sick of those looks you get if you dare to eat dessert in public. I remember years of going to the store just for ice cream and feeling like I had to buy a bunch of things just so no one would think I'd come to the store just for ice cream. I'm sick of skinny women...like my mother and a friend of mine...looking at themselves in the mirror and saying, "I'm so fat!" I'm sick of the weight loss tips, and the comment of "Amy would be so beautiful if she just lost (insert increasingly higher number here) pounds." Yeah, cause heavy women can't be pretty, you know. We are automatically relegated to the ugly category, or if you are lucky enough to not have a double chin, you might get into the "pretty face" category.

I meet great people online and refuse to show them a photo or I show them an old, "skinnier" photo, because I've always been so ashamed of my weight. Why must I feel less worthy than a skinny woman? Why is it horrible for a woman to be fat, yet not so bad for a man?

I really put myself out there about a year ago, and I had a heartbreaking experience that turned me off of online dating. I live in a town where the only place to really meet people is at church and at bars. I don't do bars, and I go to a small church. I signed up for a few of the Christian sites, including eharmony (though it isn't just Christian anymore). I got a few hits at first, but when I posted my picture, not one single man contacted me, and those who had contacted me stopped contact once the picture was posted. One thing I don't like about eharmony is that they don't let you list body type preferences. Even Christian men have body type preferences and tons of them do not want to date a woman who is larger than average. Believe me. I've searched. And I had actually thought Christian men would be different. I know I'm generalizing, and I apologize if you are one of those few, different men that aren't completely disgusted by bigger women.

I realize the bitterness is leaking through, and it made me remember the "success" I had on a couple of the BBW sites. The problem is that they are not Christian oriented, so I got some very unsavory offers. Ewwww. Yeah, wasn't what I had in mind.

So I signed up on a couple of sites again. I had about ten profile views and one guy smiled at me. His profile says to not judge by his looks because you just might miss something great. I think that is great, and it really represents how I feel. So I was a little shocked when the first smile I got from him said, "Great profile. Can I see a pic?" I decided to heck with it. I posted a pic. We'll see what happens.

My Current and Always Babies

My oldest baby, Shai. He is fifteen years old. His legs don't work as well as they did, and he has arthritis in his spine, but he'll get moving pretty quick if he sees someone else going for his food, and he's still very quick to protect me. A few months ago, I was out watering the yard at night. It's generally a nice neighborhood, but this night, a drunk guy was wandering the streets, trying to get someone to take him home. He offered me $200. I felt bad for the guy. He asked if I had a husband. I said, "Yes." I'm such a liar! Like I'm gonna say no. I know martial arts, but I've never had to put it into practice. He asked if my husband could drive him home, and I told him he was sleeping. Teehehee. He asked if I could call him a cab. I relented and went inside, locking the storm door while I got the phone book and phone. I was just going to take the phone out to him and have him call. After all, I knew I was kinda being an idiot. I took Shai out with me. He had already been barking at the guy through the door because he sensed how tense I was. Well, I took him out (without a leash), but kept a hold on his collar. Shai snarled and barked, and the guy took off towards the sidewalk and asked me if he would bite. I said, "He can if he feels the need."

Well, long story short, I got the cab company on the phone. They'd just had an identical call from the next street over. The guy told me to shut my door. Meanwhile, the guy is accusing me of calling the cops, but he's nice about it, said it was ok. I don't think he was a dangerous guy...just drunk. But my big bear protected me.

A few months ago, I got D'oggee. I did not name her. She came with the name. It is pronounced D-O-G, though it sounds french and slightly exotic when you say it fast. Clever, huh? It's grown on me. There was lady who wanted to find a home for D'oggee because she was gone from home all day and had her in the back yard. Well, D'oggee is a spoiled house dog at my house, but boy that hair gets tangled quickly. She's a little lover and a kisser. Gotta have Mommy kisses all the time, and she'll run after me wherever I go. She runs to the backyard gate when I get home, and then she runs inside and scratches at the door, just ready to get some love from her Momma.

Dyslexia

Ok, I seriously know how to spell, and I'm generally a good writer, but this is what happens when you think you are so good that you don't need to proofread. You get Kindergarted instead of Kindergarten. I had a typo in the previous entry, as well.

My Writing

So I have sent out my first picture book manuscript to an agent. That was two months ago, and I have not heard anything back. I have a goal for myself next week. I will send at least one manuscript to three agents!

This is the action I've taken after receiving my first two rejections...one because the agent could not take on any more work and one because she said my query letter didn't make her want to read anymore. :( I've changed the title of my first one to Maisy Mae Daisy and the Kindergarted Catastrophe, but I'm not sure I like that better or Maizy Mae Daizy and the Kindergarted Catastrophe or Maizie Mae Daizie and the Kindergarted Catasotrophe.

A Little Closer

I had a meeting at a child placement agency Thursday before last. I was a little downcast when it was revealed that it would be hard to place a child with me because I work evenings. Unfortunately, my schedule is not flexible, and it is unlikely that I will see a day shift for many years to come. Just how it is in my business. So, I have three choices. I can switch careers (very risky these days) and go into teaching (big pay cut), I can try to swing it with my current situatioon (very difficult). I can up my attempts at getting my writing published and also try to write for magazines and blogs and pray that God wants this for me and will provide an income. I'm going to pray most for the latter, because it is what I want to do.

Another problem I found out about is that the training classes are not generally offered at a time I can take them. They usually are offered in two-day increments and while I can usually make one, I can't make another because of my schedule. I've been advised to look into other agencies and/or see about going directly through the state.

I kinda feel like I'm mostly talk and no action. I think I'm just afraid of the overwhelming, and I know that being a single mother will be overwhelming.

Change of Plans

So, the Ethiopia adoption plan in old hold. As a single woman who is buying a house, a car, and paying for student loans on top of trying to renovate, it just isn't financially feasible. No way I can afford child care. It wouldn't be a problem if I worked days and adopted a school-age child, but I don't. *sigh* Someday, God may provide the way. He may be leading me into fostering for a reason. But I'm going to check it out. I don't think I can do foster to adopt right now (child care costs. Yikes!), but I think I can foster for right now. I need lots of prayer.

God is Grand

So I've been trying to figure out what to do to catch up on my finances. I have literally no money until payday. I've been fighting with my mortgage company because I had tried to switch to a twice a month plan. My online account showed me as enrolled. I had picked out my payment days. I'd never have a problem, so I assumed (never, never, never assume. It is my BIGGEST downfall) that all was well. I checked my account later in the month. Nothing had been withdrawn.

Ok, well, just to get the ball rolling, I figured I would check out why it hadn't been withdrawn later and set up my account to have the money withdrawn on the 31st. A few days after the 1st of the month, I saw it still hadn't been withdrawn. I figured, "Ok, it sometimes takes them up to 7 days to withdraw the money. I'll wait a few more days." Stupid, stupid, stupid idea! I finally called (this is after emailing about 3 times and getting no answer even though they pride themselves on answering within 24 hours) and asked them what was wrong.

Well, the customer service rep told me that she saw that I had set it up to withdraw on the 31st and that it hadn't come out (duh!), so she went ahead and processed the payment then. Then she told me that the reason it hadn't been withdrawn before, when I had changed my payment plan to twice a month, was because I had to be a month ahead in my payments. Gee, you think you could state that on your website? Why was I shown as successfully enrolled if I had to be a month ahead? Why didn't anyone contact me and tell me I couldn't do this? And why, oh why, are my sister and brother-in-law allowed to do this program when they are NOT a month ahead? Hmmmm.

So, they told me they couldn't waive the late fee, and worse yet, the late payment had already been reported to the credit bureaus! So now I have them investigating this. I emailed several times, and I had called and gotten nowhere. I emailed again, telling them I wanted this fixed and asked why no one had gotten back to me and that I think my news station should do a consumer report on them. They wrote back, right away I might add, and said they had no record of my emails! Funny how they have no record of my emails and don't contact me until I start threatening. And I really hate being mean.

Ok, so you may be wondering where is the God is Grand part of this post? Well, I got an email from them today stating that during an investigation of my account, they found an escrow overage and are sending me a check for $307 dollars. Praise God. I mean, I need more to really catch up, but compared to nothing, it is really SOMETHING! Praise God!